Feeling crispy at the edges

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The last few days have brought a blessed relief from the heat and humidity that have plagued the northeast this summer. Actually the humidity has been the worst of it. We didn’t have those few 99 or 100 degree days we are apt to get, low 90s seems to have been the high but it was soupy. And stormy. I love stormy. It must have to do with my Irish heritage, what my grandmother called a soft day, gray and misty, brings me much more pleasure than a bright sunny day. Most summers, by this time, I’m feeling slightly psychotic from too much sunshine and our lawn looks scorched from lack of rain but not this year, it’s greener than it was in May and my need for gray and stormy, well, this summer really delivered*. Is this a seasonal affective disorder? I always associate that with people being depressed in winter from too little light but I am really the total opposite, so I wonder if that is a real thing or is it just a Mary Ellen weirdness, one of many I assure you.

May hydrangea garden

I was enjoying the cool breezes this morning walking through the garden and I was noticing the hydrangeas were turning colors. They start out a pretty bright white and go chartreuse, from there a kind of golden and then a papery brown. It’s amazing how quickly the golden to brown stage goes once the temperature dips a bit. It had me thinking of how I have changed with the seasons of my life, this one in particular is going to bring big changes.

My twins, recently turned seventeen and this week started their last year of homeschool. When they are finished sometime in May, that will leave me just one to get through and then, done. That is so weird.

Life changes quickly, like that golden to brown change in the hydrangea, but when your children are small you might be too busy to notice the details of it or be too tired to care. There is also the joy in the next step, because each step means a little more independence for the child and a little more freedom for you. Sometimes that works out in you wishing your life away, I’ve done that, we all do, “I wish they were all potty trained, sleeping through the night, out of car seats, driving themselves all over the place,” it’s understandable and you regret it later because those years are precious. Those wishes don’t make you a bad mother or even an unappreciative one, they make you human, but you do end up thinking you should have gone with the flow a little more and worried less about what you don’t even remember now, mopping the floor? Answering emails? Piled up laundry? Eh, what difference did it all make.

That is one of the ways I’m changing from green to golden and getting crispy on the edges like those flowers. I refuse to get caught up in things that won’t matter to my life in twenty years. Relationships matter, sticky floors are less of a priority. Sleep is a priority but so is getting up early to pray. What other people think, not so much. At least not people I don’t know or who don’t know me. Those who love me and want the best for me their thoughts I want to hear. The guy on Facebook who had very specific opinions on homeschooling and why it was damaging could go scratch, that is what the delete button is for. Crispy. I’m definitely getting crispy.

I envision being one of those old ladies, and let’s be frank I’m a hot minute from being an old lady, who says what she thinks and just lets people deal. Think Evelyn in Fried Green Tomatoes or Ousier Boudreaux in Steel Magnolias, who is a little more vulgar than I would be but you get my drift, I’m speaking my mind.

Seasons change and they bring their own beauty and nuance with them, each one, even the ones we don’t much like. I’m not a big fan of winter but the beauty of newly fallen snow, the crisp smell of it in the air and the way the ice twinkles in the trees, it’s magical. You have to look for these changes and if you aren’t seeing them ask God to reveal them.

In this season of life, which is going to be the precipice of some big changes I need to be careful to watch as things go golden and the edges get leathery to crispy. I need to treasure what is worth treasuring and cut loose what is not worth taking up brain space. Perhaps I need to delegate more, seek more ways to enhance my life rather than just filling time with bingeing and scrolling. A class to take, a project to embark upon, a trip to plan?

What are you planning for your crispy years?

*I know a lot of people are suffering from storms and other disasters right now and my love for a rainy day is in no way meant to minimize their suffering. Having lived though a few very serious hurricanes and their damage I am fully aware of what kind of horror people are living through and my prayers are with them.