What a body needs
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What a body needs
Sometimes it's just that simple
I am by nature and necessity an early riser. By nature now because I spent so many years getting up early with my little ones that my internal clock is just wired for that now. I don’t really need an alarm to wake early, although my watch gently buzzes at five and then again at five thirty. It’s my gentle way of snoozing. Often I’m already awake but I don’t usually get up until a little past five, sneaking out of the bed so as not to disturb the snoring giant next to me (yes darling you snore).
By necessity because this time is precious to me. I pray my rosary, clean up, work a little, listen to homilies (I love my Hallow app) and start the coffee perking. It’s my little cocoon before the day starts and it helps me to be a civilized human being for the rest of the day.
Sometimes though, there is a weariness. I think women tend to ignore their weariness. It is a message we are so used to receiving that we do not even think about it much. We are tired and we go on. We are weary and we keep doing. We are exhausted and things get done. This idea that we should stop and rest is riddled with guilt. Forget asking for help.
In this weariness God sometimes arranges a stop for me. That buzz on my wrist turns off or I tune out and I sleep for an extra hour. Or two. That happened this morning. I do not remember turning off the buzz but I must have because I woke to sunshine streaming in. I struggled for a few minutes with this feeling of failure. As if I had somehow failed the day already by meeting the needs of my body by giving it an hour and half of extra rest. I do that to myself. I know I’m not the only one.
Here’s the thing, there is really no urgent reason for me not to rest if I need rest. I can easily sleep until seven or even eight if I want to. The kids are not really kids, they can feed themselves. The husband is happy to perk the coffee and even to bring it to me. School generally starts later these days because they are up later (jobs, youth groups, activities) so I can really sleep until anytime I want but yet here I lay feeling like I’ve lost the day at seven, as if I have somehow failed life because I needed rest and I rested.
I didn’t give in to it for too long because if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that those thoughts don’t come from God. Those, “you are not good enough, you are not doing enough, you’ll never be enough” thoughts do not reflect the love of He who created me. So I pushed those thoughts away and calmly said the prayer I try to begin each day with, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.” and I got up.
It is time to listen to what my body says. The other day I had a headache. I rarely get headaches anymore. I used to when I was younger, dreadful hormonal migraines that would last for days. After I had twins those disappeared (thank you God) but on some rare days I feel the tingling behind my eye and I know what that means. Close the computer, take off the glasses, go lay down. Did I do that?
Of course not.
It was a short article and I wanted it out of my head and off my plate. So I wrote it up and suffered. Stupid. It could have easily waited a day or two.
There is no virtue in this sort of thing. None at all.
Dragging a Hobbit up a mountain when you are tired and in pain to throw a ring in fire to save Middle Earth, yes that is virtuous. Working your past middled-aged self into a raging migraine to finish something that could wait is not. It’s addle-brained. And I suspect we all do it to some extent or another.
Why?
Starving yourself to live up to some Instagram or Hollywood ideal of beauty, also not virtuous. Eating a reasonable amount of heathy food to fuel your life is. These are the traps women, and I am generalizing I know, seem to have fallen into. At least my generation (I’m told it’s X).
From now on when I, in a semi-conscious state, turn off the alarm and go back to sleep I am going to think of it as a gift. Or a warning. “Hey lady you need some sleep.” I’m not going to berate myself for needing some rest, or having a day when I need a little more food or just need a break in the action to collect myself. If I need it, I’ll take it and I think I’ll be better for it. I certainly won’t be worse off.