We are in the touchy-feely era of time

and it's not doing anyone any good

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I work in the homeschool industry. Even as I write that it sounds weird in my head that it is an industry but alas, over the last twenty years it has become so and while there are pros and cons to this, I am grateful for the paycheck.

Part of the job is to be on some social media sites to answer questions about homeschooling and offer support to moms who are struggling or need a little encouragement. This is both the best part and worst part of the job. Best because these ladies (and yes, men homeschool as well but by and large I deal with women), are working their tails off to do the very best for their children, their husbands, and their homes. They are passing down the faith, they are trying to live God’s plan for their life all while changing twenty diapers a day and getting some kind of dinner on the table every night. It’s beautiful and I get to tell them they are heroes because they are and sometimes they just need to be told.

It’s also the worst part of my job because social media is a cesspool, without nuance or subtlety and people are sitting there behind their keyboards waiting to take up their arms and fight over things that would never even catch their attention should we have met in the supermarket or at a soccer practice.

Before I get into what I want to write about let me just put this out there, if you have a question or a problem with homeschooling, child rearing, your marriage, your mother, your faith, your mother-in-law, or any big life thing do not, DO NOT go on Facebook and put that personal question out there. Even if it is in a private group and posted anonymously. You are likely to get a hundred pieces of advice ninety-nine of which will be terrible for your situation. A large portion of them might even prove to be catastrophic. This crowd-sourcing for very personal advice is the death knell of personal relationships. Go to Facebook if you want a good local car mechanic or to find an upholsterer for those chairs you found at Goodwill, it’s good for that. Not much else. Finding a friend, a priest, or even a stranger in the supermarket would be better.

That’s your PSA for this Friday.

The Naughty Boy - Edwin Henry Landseer

I was recently in one of these groups and a woman (anonymous) was having trouble with a daughter who was nine. She was, in general, being a typical nine-year-old in that she was being mean to her seven-year-old brother and generally making him and her mother miserable. Mom had spoken to her many times, expressed her hurt in how her daughter behaved, explained family was a gift, and so on, and so on. She seemed shocked that the daughter had not immediately straightened herself up and become a kind and loving big sister.

An experienced mom, whom I know well, suggested extra chores for dear daughter to make her realize the error of her ways. This was followed by about one hundred comments (no exaggeration) of what a cruel and horrible woman she must be. Now she is one of the kindest people I know and her sons and daughters grew up to be delightful humans who adore their mother, I tell you this so you know she has good advice to give.

I rarely engage in this kind of thing on Facebook anymore because you will never change anyone’s mind but I did feel the need to both defend my friend and pull these women’s heads out of their butts. Their advice ranged from changing the child’s diet to hugging her more, reading several books, and I even think there was an essential oil suggestion. So I jumped in there and suggested darling daughter be told to sit on the bottom step for fifteen minutes when she misbehaved so that she could think of ways to be kinder to her family. Cue one hundred comments. Now I’m the monster.

Fortunately, I have no problem with that.

Maybe it was just my kids, but they each spent a significant amount of time on that bottom step contemplating their life choices and it does not seem to have done them any harm. In fact, they turned out pretty well.

When I jumped in, briefly and for the last time, I explained that when every single feeling a child has over her day is analyzed, justified, coddled, and discussed the child begins to think that nothing matters more than how she feels. All the time. This is dangerous.

These moms seem to be about fifteen to twenty years younger than I am and maybe they are an anomaly but I don’t think so. Parents need their children to know that not every feeling is valid, obeying me is an actual commandment, and if you think about yourself too much you will be a misery to yourself and others.

There is a generation of complacent, self-absorbed, lethargic kids on their way to adulthood who are going to be incapable of dealing with life outside of their home if they aren’t told to “suck it up, this is how it is going to be” once in a while.

The idea of withholding privileges or adding chores to discipline a child was so shocking to the large majority of these moms that I was shocked by their shock. You would have thought telling a nine-year-old to vacuum the living room was akin to tying her to a tree for the afternoon. “You would ruin her childhood and it would destroy her relationship with the family” we were told. The fact that she was making her brother’s life miserable was not a factor. We should see what is her motive and address our complicity in her feeling like she needs to act out like this.

What in the actual hell?

I am in no way a touchy-feely person. I love my children with all of my heart and they know it. I would throw myself on a fire pit for them, and I have no trouble showing them affection and do so every day however I am not sentimental and I am very interested in them being competent mentally healthy adults. This means that I have had to make them unhappy at times. They have been grounded, done hard manual labor, made apologies that tasted horrible in their mouths, have been shut up with a swift glance by me (I can still do that), and spent much time on that bottom step. I care deeply about their feelings but they have to learn that 1. not all of your feelings are justified, 2. not everything you feel and think has to be expressed. These are important life skills.

I remember once crying to my mom that I had made Ryan unhappy with all the therapy he was signed up for, she gave me the very wise advice that while his happiness had to be a big concern of mine it could not be my primary concern, helping him to be the child of God he was created to be was my primary concern and sometimes that meant he would be unhappy.

You can’t prepare a child for the world if you shield them from every moment of anxiety, every difficult conversation, every bad consequence of their actions, or every failure. The bookstore shelves are now crammed with books that encourage parents to do that very thing and I can’t imagine what kind of adults these children will become.

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For excellent parenting advice, I highly recommend Dr. Ray Guarendi’s book Discipline That Lasts A Lifetime he and his wife Randy have raised ten children, all adopted, some from very dire circumstances, and that as much as his profession as a psychotherapist has formed his methods. It’s a great read.

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