Ten ways to help those who mourn
Based upon my experience
Thank you to all who reached out with prayers and kindness over the loss of my cousin. It was very kind and I appreciate it very much. It made me think of how people have responded to the various losses that I have had in my adult life, both the expected (parents) and the tragic (teenage son), and what was helpful and what wasn’t.
I have been asked to write and speak about this subject a few times, but I would like to share my thoughts here in case any of my readers find themselves in a situation where someone they know or care for is in deep grief and they are feeling helpless to alleviate their pain.
Before we begin, we must realize that you can’t help their grief, time will tell when they can start moving forward again. What you can do is make it easier for them to grieve and hopefully, these practical suggestions will make it easier for you to provide that space and time.
Go to the wake or funeral, ideally both. Show up. Showing up means the world to those who grieve. Even if you only stay a few minutes to drop off a card or some flowers it’s important. It shows you cared. Attending a funeral Mass is also a great gift to a mourning family and if you are Catholic it is a corporal work of mercy to pray for the dead.
Offer specific help. Offer to swing by and write thank you notes, cook meals, provide childcare—anything you can do. Vague offers of “call me if you need anything” will likely not be taken up.
Don’t fall back on clichés. “It all happens for a reason,” or “He is in a better place,” may be well-meaning but are not helpful and can be hurtful. Just say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” and mean it. When my son died someone said, “at least you have other children” which I am sure was meant to be comforting but was a tone-deaf thing to hear, as if they were interchangeable.
Praying for and with a grieving person is part of the process. Have a Mass said, (attending Mass being said for your loved one is a great comfort) send a spiritual bouquet, or offer to come and pray a Rosary with them or to take them to Mass. Shoot them a text and tell them you said a prayer for them.
Don’t forget that grief is still horrible even after the funeral is over. Remember that everyday moments will still be hard and patience and compassion may be needed for a long time.
Find a good bereavement program and offer to drive. Your local diocese can be very helpful with this, and they often have programs themselves. Community centers and libraries also have these kinds of programs.
Organize some kind of memorial for the deceased. There is a park bench at the baseball field where my son played that has a plaque with his name on it. His special education league organized a dedication ceremony, and the memorial means the world to my family.
Don’t be offended if phone calls or texts go unanswered. These communications can seem overwhelming to a bereaved person, so just keep in touch and know your concern is appreciated. They will reach out when it feels right.
Use your special talents to comfort the family. Crocheting a prayer shawl, creating a scrapbook, sharing some framed photos, or beading a rosary—all of these things can be a beautiful tribute to the person who is gone. My family received many such gifts, and we treasure them all.
Talk about the person who is gone. This is so important. A great fear is that our loved ones will be forgotten, so don’t feel funny about sharing a story or asking about their loved one. Even if it brings some tears, knowing that person is remembered feels good. After the funeral luncheon last week my two cousins (her sisters) and I sat around with a bottle of wine and shared memories of our childhood adventures. Our children listened and laughed along with us, many stories they had never heard and it was good for all of us.
These suggestions come from me as a Catholic so they are focused on those traditions however if your grieving person is of another faith tradition make sure you check with someone about respectfully observing their traditions. Most of these suggestions will hold with all practices but there will be differences. For example, people of the Jewish faith sit shiva for a time after a funeral and it is considered a kindness to arrive with some offering of food. Be sure you are tuned in to what is appropriate.
Let me know in the comments if you have any suggestions I did not, I would be grateful.